Mum guilt/self-doubt.. the Witch won’t leave me alone.
Oh boy! Mum guilt & self-doubt, at times, kicks my ass. It’s been a part of my life for a while now. I’d vaguely heard people speak of this before but never known its impact until I became pregnant.
To be honest, I’ve lived with self-doubt most of my life. But once I finally became pregnant it kicked up a notch, along with my new friend – mum guilt. I think of it as an invisible Witch, complete with a pointy hat and broom, that also starts to grow as your baby does. When I feel like I’m doing something right, she starts to cackle on my shoulder and reminds of all the reasons why I’m, well… shit.
I felt guilty…
- That I wasn’t eating enough of the right foods, and therefore my child wasn’t getting all the nutrients it needed.
- Because i allowed myself to be convinced by friends that one glass of wine was perfectly fine.
- Because i forgot to take my folic acid two days on the run – my child my now come out with 3 arms and 12 toes.
- For just having to have that 2nd cup of coffee because getting through the day with one cup was just killing me.
- For not loving every moment. How dare i not be loving pregnancy when we were so lucky to even be pregnant in the first place.
- For absolutely shitting my pants about becoming a mother. Self Doubt told me i just wasn’t going to be good enough.
- For thinking that i might not feel that instant love after giving birth. Turns out i had nothing to worry about on this front.
- Maybe i didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed for longer.
- Do i cuddle my baby enough?
- Do i cuddle my baby too much?
- I didn’t stop that one person from kissing my baby on the cheek. Now she was probably going to end up in A&E after having contracted some fatal disease.
- Getting irritable and frustrated with my baby because she only slept for an hour all night.
- Hating (with a passion) cluster feeding.
- For allowing my amazing partner to do the morning feed so i can sleep in. After all my baby needs me, i should be the one feeding her at all times and be bloody grateful for it.
The Necessary Evil… But it’s Okay!
Embrace Mum Guilt
I’ve decided I’m going to embrace my mum guilt (as much as such things can be embraced) and accept that it’s okay to feel guilty about doing the small things for ourselves, the things that actually stop us from going insane. After all, it’s what makes us who we are… the nurturing, stable, consistent, understanding, fun, patient parent our kids need us to be. The calm in the storm.