Today was a crazy ass day with my little 2 year old monster. I’m being polite by calling her monster, I’ve used much stronger words to describe her today (not to her face, obviously).
So, I arranged to meet some friends who have kids around the same age, for a little play date.
The day starts great, my monster woke in a good mood, which makes a change and I’m really looking forward to it.
We were due to leave the house at 10am to get there on time. As far as I’m concerned this gives us plenty of time to get us both ready and even squeeze a few chores into the mix… yeah right!
First things first, give the kid some food.
Breakfast starts at 7.30am with some jam on toast (because what kid doesn’t love a bit of jam on toast). This gives me a chance to get ready in peace.
Next up, get the monster dressed. As the sun was shining, I decided on a pretty little dress and flowery sandals.
We head to the garden to hang some wet washing out to dry. With my back turned for 30 seconds gives the monster enough time to crawl under the BBQ (obviously BBQ is off and completely safe-ish, with the exception of the rather deadly looking spiders). Don’t ask me why she chose something that she’d never shown any interest in before that moment. Maybe because she’d never checked it out before and thought she might find something interesting tucked away with the spider webs, dirt and rust. And what a perfect way to piss mummy off than to get the pretty little dress completely covered in shit right before we’re due to head out for a play-date!
Following a quick change into a much less pretty dress, I stupidly decided it would be a good idea to get some Weetabix in her 5 minutes before we need to leave. She gets extremely ratty when she’s hungry and usually has her Weetabix around this time so it seemed like a good idea.
Aware I don’t want to have to change her again, I remove her dress completely and cover her with a sleeved bib (those things are a bloody Godsend) before I give her the small bowl of Weetabix and spoon.
While she’s merrily eating away in front of Peppa Pig, I pop into the kitchen for roughly 2 minutes, which appears to be just enough time for the monster to smear the Weetabix all over her face and hair, the only area that is not covered by the sleeved bib, while shouting “face cream”. The 2 minutes was also enough time for said Weetabix/face cream to turn to effing cement. I hate Weetabix! Surely a breakfast cereal that literally solidifies as quickly as Weetabix does can not be good for anyone?!
Panicking now as we’re 10 minutes past our ‘leave’ time. To her complete dismay, I frantically wipe her down with a cloth and warm soapy water. No amount of wet wipes would touch that.
Dress back on and we’re out the door 15 minutes later making us 25 minutes late.
Oh, and did I say how being late is a major cause for anxiety for me! Well it is and I’m pretty sure my monster knows it.
Surprisingly our time out and about went quite smoothly. Disasters of the morning forgotten, fun was had by all.
We then arrive home and end the day with a potty full of piss poured all over the monster by the monster. You know, just for kicks. Followed by a mad dash to the shower while trying to avoid the dripping of said piss all through the house. Today’s lesson learn’t – I need to grow some effing eyeballs in the back of my head.
Just another day in the life of a truly Clueless Mum.