If motherhood came with a manual, things would be so much easier wouldn’t it? The problem is, nothing about motherhood is predictable. You just have to ‘go with it’ and rely on your instincts. But what if your ‘instinct’ is broken. What if when people say, “oh don’t worry, you’ll know what to do when it happens.” And when it happens, you’re like “what the hell are you talking about, I have no clue what to do.”

It seems even my body had no clue what to do when giving birth either. Everyone told me I would get the urge to push and when I did I should just go with it. Problem was, I didn’t get any urge to push. Or at least I don’t think I did? So when I briefly heard the midwife saying “She’s just scared so she’s not pushing properly.” I wanted to grab her by the throat and scream “YOU F*@KING PUSH!”

So, being the completely clueless individual that I am, it’s a good thing I have Google. And thank heavens for that! Along with many other things, I now know that not everyone gets the urge to push which can make giving birth a hell of a lot harder. So that being said, I think I did pretty bloody well.

Just Google it

‘Just Google it,’ should now appear in an automatic speech bubble above my head whenever anyone asked a question.
What did we do before Google? From trying to conceive and being pregnant, giving birth and looking after a new baby. To dealing with toddler illnesses and trying to cope with no sleep. Google has been my answer to most things and kept me relatively sane.

The answers might not always be what you want but when you’re as clueless as I was about all of the above, it really doesn’t matter. Surely having some sort of answer is better than having no answer at all. So here are 15 Google Searches of a New Mum for you to shamefully relate to or to think ‘what a mental case this woman is’.

What does ovulation pain feel like?

You’d think I knew this one already. BUT if it took you as long to conceive as it did me, you would be asking this question too. Trying to figure out when and if you’re ovulating plays a big role in your life when the baby-making train has been rolling for 3 years and you’re still trying.

How painful is giving birth?

Google just laughed in my face at this one. If I could answer for google now I would say… “You will feel like your going to die! That’s how painful it is.”

Does your vagina go back to normal after giving birth?

The simple answer is no. No, it most certainly does not go back to normal after birth. Google might as well have said… “It’s been stretched to the size of a melon love, of course it’s not going back to normal you silly mare!”

What Flange size should I use?

If you’ve ever expressed milk, you will know what this one is all about. It’s the part of the expressing machine that goes over and sucks in your nipple.

Who knew you could get different Flange sizes? Apparently, this depends on the diameter of your nipple. How one goes about measuring the diameter of a nipple is beyond me.

Don’t you just love that word though… Flange… Flange… FLANGE!

Google search for - what flange size should i use?


Can you die from lack of sleep?

Well actually, you can die from a lack of sleep. So as suspected, having a child might well kill me after all.

Bold patches after having a baby?

So not only do you feel like your going to die from giving birth, that or a lack of sleep. But you also lose all your f*@king hair! Great! Just great.

I seemed to lose it in spades too. That was a hell of a surprise. Why does no one tell you this sh*t? I thought pregnancy had given me alopecia.

Lullabies to help baby sleep?

Fairly obvious… Your baby has been changed, fed, burped but still won’t sleep and is crying and crying and crying. Before you yourself start crying, you Google this one. It turns out you can download Apps that just play continuous Lullabies to soothe babies into a blissful sleep. What Google doesn’t tell you is that they don’t bloody work!

What is this rash on my toddler?

This is another consistent Google search. Why the hell do kids get so many rashes? They seem to come out of nowhere and for no reason. I’m constantly running a glass over my kid’s skin to check that the spots disappear. Or is it there not supposed to? I just don’t know anymore! No, I’m sure it’s the first one. Maybe I should Google that one again.

What to do when a toddler eats soil out of a plant pot?

This happened, she’s fine. Baby Centre (a source for most of my Googled questions) confirmed other kids had done this and were completely fine.

What does chickenpox look like?

I still have no idea. There were so many different images of Chickenpox which all looked completely different. She may have had Chickenpox, she may not. Whatever it was, thankfully she survived.

Does my child hate me?

Well because that’s just how you feel sometimes. When your toddler throws a wobbler for no reason. Or, has you up for two solid hours during the night when all you want to do is sleep but she’s wide awake and wants to play. Or does a poo straight after a fresh nappy change. You start to wonder if she just hates you and wants to make you miserable.

Why has my toddler started waking through the night?

It’s only babies that keep you up through the night. Right? When your usual 7.30 pm to 7.30 am sleeping child suddenly starts waking through the night it can be a bit of a shock to the system. You got to Google that sh*t. There must be something you can do to stop it. Like now!

When do I start potty training?

Google tells me most parents start potty training between the ages of 2 and 3. My toddler is 2 months away from being 2 and someone recently told me, I should probably have started by now.

I think I’ll go with Google. Mainly because it seems like proper hard work and I’m dreading it. Pissing all over the place like a new puppy really doesn’t appeal to me. But I know, don’t worry we’ll start soon.

Have I screwed potty training?

I googled this one after I gave potty training a little try. Realising she wasn’t quite ready and stopped. Then someone told me I might have confused my child and you shouldn’t try it until your ready to start properly. To the person who said that… Screw you! Who asked you anyway?

Yep, I probably confused my child… Just a little.

Is it normal to sometimes hate your partner?

I’ve googled this one a lot since having a baby. Another one is… ‘Is it normal to want to hurt your partner?’ I’m sure this is a combination of tiredness and PMS. I don’t really hate my partner. Well, maybe just a little bit when he’s snoring and I’ve already been up 6 times to settle the toddler back down at 3 am. See also 3 Reasons You Want to Leave Your Partner during PMS – Explains a lot.

15 Google Searches of a New Mum
Christian Wiediger via @unsplash

In Conclusion

Google shouldn’t be relied upon for a medical diagnosis but it can save your sanity. Most of the time you already sort of know the answer but you just need reassurance. You can ask Google any question you want and not have to feel embarrassed or sound like a complete nutcase when saying it out loud. And if it’s really bad, just go incognito.

So in the dead of night when all you have is you and your baby and your tearing you’re hair out… Just ask Google.

Oh, and while you’re at it, ask Google why Cornflakes were invented. Hilarious! (If your slightly immature and not a bit prudish).

What is the weirdest thing you’ve googled? Let me know in the comments below. All comments are welcome and appreciated.