Unexplained Infertility – The emotional side

Unexplained Infertility – The Emotional Side

It’s fair to say it’s taken quite a while to decide if I wanted to publish this post. Very few people know of the difficulties we’ve had trying to conceive. Even less people know of our unexplained infertility diagnosis. Quite frankly, the fewer people (in my ‘inner circle’) who know about it the better.

Unexplained Infertility - The emotional side

But I started this blog to share (or just vent) my experiences of life and motherhood and well, that includes the things I don’t particularly feel an overwhelming urge to share. Honestly, it fills me with dread. But i decided to press the publish button because this is part of my life. It’s the part that causes me a lot of frustration and if I’m being really honest, a whole host of other emotions.

I know I’m not the only person experiencing ‘Unexplained Infertility’ and feeling this way. In fact, around one in four couple with fertility issues suffer unexplained infertility.

If sharing my thoughts and feelings helps someone else to feel less alone in this, then this blog is doing what it was intended for.

Unexplained infertility… What the hell is it anyway?

According to information I’ve been given from doctors and rather a lot of Google searches Unexplained Infertility is when no cause has been found for a couples inability to conceive. Although, being diagnosed as unexplained doesn’t mean you won’t get pregnant. In fact, those people are 50% more likely to fall pregnant within the first year of being diagnosed than couples with other fertility issues.

Obviously, we were not meant to be one of those couples.

 But don’t take my word for it. There is some great info on the Fertility Network UK website.

A bit of background

Our journey of starting a family began around six years ago.  But after the first 3 years of (very) actively trying and countless more prior to this not, not trying (I wasn’t great at remembering to take the pill), I started wondering if the universe was trying to tell us something. Maybe we were just not meant to have kids.

We took the standard route of seeing the GP and having further tests done to try to get to the bottom of the problem. But as each test came back normal, the more frustrated we felt.

Undiagnosed infertility left us without much to go on. The options were, we kept trying but the odds of conceiving were very slim so we could have been trying for years. All the while my biological clock would be ticking, and the chances of success would be slimming pretty quick. Or we go for some form of invasive medical intervention, IVF or IUI while my age meant the chances of success were good.

The emotional side 

Now we have our little girl (after years of trying and failing to conceive naturally) I’d kind of put all of my thoughts and feelings on the whole infertility saga in a little box in the back of my mind and turned the key. After all, our treatment was successful and gave us our amazing little girl who is absolutely everything we ever wanted and more.

But just lately, that little locked box is rattling around. It’s not content with being locked away anymore. The reason being, we’re hoping to have another child to complete our brood.

All of those thoughts and feelings have slowly crept their way back in along with the desire for another child.

Frustration

I’d say the most prominent emotion is frustration.

The thing is, we were never given a reason for our infertility. Oh sorry, I lie. Our “diagnosis” was – Unexplained Infertility. As my doctor kindly put it, it just doesn’t happen for some couples. GREAT!

No matter how many times a health professional tells me this, it doesn’t get any easier to accept.

I know our frustration stems from feeling helpless. All the tests we had come back normal. If we have no cause we have nothing to work with.

At least if it was down to a blocked fallopian tube or ‘hostile’ cervical mucus (yep that’s actually a thing, google it if you don’t believe me) or a hormone imbalance, we’d have something to work with.

Not knowing why is the single most frustrating thing about this.

You can’t fix something if you don’t understand how it’s broken.

A recent wave of frustration comes from a tiny seed of hope that was planted back in 2017 on the day we left the birth centre with our brand new baby. A midwife had warned us to use contraception as she knew of couples who’d had fertility treatment and then fell pregnant naturally after having a child.

I obviously clung to that statement far too tightly and now it’s biting me in the arse in the form of immense frustration. The miraculous recovery I was hoping for has pretty much dwindled into nothing. Two years later and not a single contraceptive pill in sight. I’m feeling gutted all over again that my body is letting me down. Which leads me onto…

Betrayal 

To someone who’s had no problem conceiving, using the word betrayal in this context may seem quite dramatic. Let me tell you, from someone who has been unable to get pregnant naturally and, after many years of trying, still has no idea why. This word is perfect to describe how I feel about my body. My body isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be able to do & quite literally betraying me.

Anger & Resentment

It’s fair to say I’ve gained a fair bit of resentment towards the term unexplained infertility over the years. Or, is that resentment towards my own body? I don’t know.

And not just for me, but on behalf of all those couples around the world who have their shit together: Steady jobs, a loving relationship, a home, support from friends and family. But, who are not as lucky as we were. Who’ve had numerous rounds of IVF and spent thousands of pounds doing so and are still no further down the road?

I resent the fact that there are so many other people who don’t have their shit together. Who probably shouldn’t be bringing children into the world but seem to be able to pop them out like there’s no tomorrow.

Infertility isn’t fair and it makes no apologies for it.

Perspective

I know I must sound unbelievably selfish. Here I am, having been one of the lucky ones but still complaining about not being able to get pregnant naturally. But that’s what having unexplained infertility does. It makes you feel betrayed by your own body. It makes you want answers. It makes you selfish. It makes you think there’s still hope your body will come good and do what it’s supposed to.

Sometimes I do sit quietly on my own, try to get out of my own head and gain some perspective.

We are incredibly lucky. Not just because our first round of treatment gave us our baby girl but also because it left us with more options. Options that some couples don’t have.

 And honestly, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Going through the treatment and the emotions of this whole journey has made us so much stronger as a couple and a family unit.  I’m so grateful for what we have. Our teenager (my niece) who has been with us for the last 5 years and makes us so proud every day & our crazy little toddler and my incredible partner of 12 years. Throughout everything, he’s been the pillar holding us both up.

Did I kind of hope whatever was causing our infertility would sort of right itself after pregnancy? Yep, I did. But I also truly believe that for whatever reason, this is how it was meant to be.

Making Peace

Whatever the future holds, in the end, I will have to make peace with our diagnosis. It’s not likely I’m going to get the answers I want so maybe I just need to accept it, as it is.

One thing is for certain, the journey isn’t over and we’re ready to face whatever may come.

X

Shank You Very Much
Cuddle Fairy

22 thoughts on “Unexplained Infertility – The emotional side

  • Thank you for sharing such an honest account of your feelings. It is easy to sanitise your emotions so that you don’t offend upset others. I sincerely hope you find peace with your situation and whatever life brings your family going forward #mmbc

  • So brave of you to share this blog post. Unexplained infertility is one of those things that people don’t talk about.
    It is a rubbish diagnosis. It doesn’t help at all not knowing the cause. It must be so frustrating.
    Sending hugs x

    • Thanks Kim. It does seem to be one of those things not talked about often. As much as it’s frustrating, we’re also so grateful for what we have.
      x

  • These are the very posts women should post telling their realities and thereby helping others. I don’t like everything you say in this post but I can see that frustration will be spilling out not always in positive ways. But I do salute you for writing the post and being honest and courageous and whatever the future brings your way, I really hope it is a bright and peaceful one. #MMBC

    • Thank you for your honest feedback. I appreciate some parts could be controversial and quite negative but I try to remain completely honest. In the moment, when emotions are high it’s difficult to guard my words although I certainly wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

  • I have suffered with I’ll health over the last 12 years, having a massive stroke and a brain tumour, I am extremely grateful for having no problems conceiving or having 3 natural births leading to healthy sons, I wish you all the luck in the world, never give up #globalblogging@_karendennis

    • I’m so sorry to hear of your health issues. My own seem rather insignificant in comparison.
      Thank you so much for your kind comment. I hope things are improving for you and wish you the best of luck. x

  • Totally understand all your emotions that you are feeling as I have felt them myself. Especially frustration, anger and resentment. No-one can really understand how it feels when you see another pregnancy announcement on your newsfeed and wondering if you will ever be a mum.

    We also had unexplained infertility and after 13 years of trying and 6 ivfs we now finally have our son. It is such a crap diagnosis and I always wish that each test we had identified a fixable problem but it never did. Everything came back as fine. It took a change to another clinic to discover that my TSH (thyroid hormone) was far too high and that I had high uterine NK cells which meant all embryos were likely getting killed off by my own body. These were conditions that our first clinic said there was no such thing as these issues. Strangely enough that once these problems were diagnosed I ended up getting pregnant twice (although miscarried the first). If you want someone to talk to or ask any questions please get in touch, my inbox is always open 😘

    Wishing you lots of love and luck on wherever your journey takes you next 🧡 #MMBC

    • Wow, thank you so much for your comment. As much as I wouldn’t wish any type of infertility on anyone sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that your not the only one.
      13 years is a long time, I’m so glad you got there in the end. And the eventual diagnosis is amazing. It does sometimes seem doctors are not keen to investigate further once they’ve completed the routine tests.
      We’re lucky enough to have two frozen embryos from our IVF treatment so we have all our fingers and toes crossed for them.
      Thank you so much for your kind words and wishes.
      Im so glad you had a happy ending and I wish you all the best!
      Ditto with the mailbox, mine too, is also open 😊

  • I don’t think you are in the least bit selfish and whole-heartedly admire you for writing this post. It was very brave of you and you should be proud of yourself as this is one of those topics that we need to talk about. I cannot imagine for a second how frustrated you must feel but my heart is with you. Nature is a cruel mistress at times. I hope everything works out for you and once again well done for such a brave post x #globalblogging

    • Thank you so much. We know we’re extremely lucky to have our little one when there are so many couples who don’t. For that I do feel like I’m being ungrateful for wanting a second.
      Thank you for being so kind. 🙏

  • I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have an unexplained condition related to fertility and the sadness it has brought to you. Fingers crossed for some happy news… Thanks for linking up with #globalblogging

  • I’m so sorry you are going through this and thank you for sharing your story. Many years ago I was part of a forum of older women who desperately wanted to be Mums or Mums again. I’d had two children before I was 22, but at 35 I was diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. In other words, I’d been able to get pregnant before but they couldn’t find out why I couldn’t again. It’s such a frustrating situation to be in so I do get it. I had found, through the forum, that I was not alone and that helped a lot. I ended up being one of the lucky ones because at 39 I got pregnant naturally, then straight afterwards pregnant again. Then when I was 44 I found myself pregnant again. It seems I’d just suddenly kickstarted my fertility out of nowhere! I did trial some ovulation tests (They were not around at the time) and I was given some interesting feedback of my menstrual cycle, which may have helped the for the first time. I really hope that you have a happy ending too. x

    • The forum sounds great! It definitely helps to know I’m not alone and hearing other stories really helps to keep things in perspective.
      Thank you so much for sharing your story. 😊

  • A tough one to write, but I hope it has helped you, as I’m sure it will help others that find this post when they most need it. We looked at IVF. I think the clinical setting, frightened my body into action, but it gave me insight into the emotional time couples can go through and I do not any of it for granted. Good luck with your ongoing journey. #mmbc

Leave a Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

3e2eca6a3c0572a4b7b9d1d9108d6ef6c99c008604cea9d8bb
%d bloggers like this: