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Frozen Embryo Transfer ~ update

Quietly Processing a failed attempt

I’ve been quiet on the blog over the last few months. In fact, I’m pretty sure my last post was early December.

In truth, I haven’t felt overly motivated to write.

If you were to look back at my previous blog post on Unexplained Infertility – The emotional side you will see we’ve been on a bit of a journey when it comes to having a family of our own.

Thankfully, we’ve been blessed with one happy and healthy child. She’s now a bouncing toddler who loves to run rings around us all. Although, it did take us a while to get there.

We are also lucky enough to have had two embryo’s frozen from our first IVF cycle. So, in December we began the Frozen Embryo Transfer process using one of the two little frosties.

Unfortunately, it didn’t quite pan out how we expected or hoped and although the thawing process was successful, the result ended with a negative pregnancy test in January.

Am I ready to start again?

It kind of killed my buzz for a while there. But I’m getting my head around it now. It was surprisingly difficult to process at first, I didn’t expect to feel so sad for as long as I did afterwards. Even when I knew the result was likely to be negative, (I just didn’t have that same ‘pregnancy feeling’ as I had the first time) it didn’t seem to stop the disappointment or ease the sadness. I guess I just assumed it would work as our first round of treatment was so successful. It just goes to show, just because it works once, doesn’t mean it will work again.

I think I also got quite attached to the little ball of cells that have such great potential. I was attached even before it left the freezer. You can’t help imagining yourself with a growing bump,  wondering who it would look more alike and how your family will adjust to the new baby.

I’m not quite sure if that makes me desperate, sad or desperately sad. Anyway, the writing I might have done would have been angry & hormone filled. So it’s just as well I didn’t.

The second frosty.

We still have one more frozen embryo and with it comes the chance to have another child. But it also comes with more uncertainty, anxiousness and potentially more disappointment & sadness. The Hubby is keen to get straight back to it but I’m struggling to find the same enthusiasm. The thought of feeling like a failure all over again is quite honestly, putting me right off.

Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to only have one biological child. I always imagined having at least two close together in age so they could grow and experience life together. But I also never imagined how difficult getting pregnant would be.

What if the second embryo doesn’t take, what then?

FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) is a hell of a lot easier than the full IVF process and I really don’t know if I want to go through the full treatment again.

It’s not just the expense, it’s the hormones, your ovaries being blown up to the size of melons. Which then causes extreme bloatedness, pain, the constant feeling of pressure pushing down to your bladder which only gets worse when you sit on the loo for a wee. And that’s without jabbing yourself with needles every day, the multiple internal scans and the torturous two week wait.

Not that I’m trying to put anyone off, of course. For the incredibly amazing little monkey, we have today it’s totally worth it and more.

Not quite ready to give up…

At the end of the day, the thought of not using the second embryo and having it ‘destroyed’, for want of a better word, would hurt more than using it and it not working. The chance to experience that heart-bursting unconditional love all over again is far too tempting, how can I not want to try?

I’m pretty sure we’ll go ahead with the second embryo. But if it doesn’t work, I just don’t know if I want to go through the full process all over again. I suppose that’s a bridge we’ll have to cross at some point. Who knows maybe things will look different on the other side. For now, I’m happy & so grateful for what we have.

What’s meant to be, will be.

 

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